... Wait Training

Surely we can't be the only ones who have loved, lost, prayed, and persevered through difficult times.  This space is created as a sounding board where we can reflect, respond, and remember the best loves in our lives.  Love.  We give it; we receive it, and that's all we can really do.  Our "why" if you will, is to connect with people through our personal experiences, and encourage individuals to share their own stories- creating a ripple effect of self-expression, connection, comfort, and healing.  Sometimes the hardest part of being a human being is the "being" part.  Taking time to be still and reflect on what you're going through is more challenging than the busy act of living life itself.  The blog name comes from the writers' attributes. Kara and Roxy, both of whom are active individuals: teachers/wives/mothers/fitness trainers/and writers at heart.  We are impatiently waiting for life's progress at times, but constantly training ourselves to improve in this department.  Join us on our journey.  Welcome to... 

"...Wait Training" 

Wide Open (Kara)

november 26, 2017

I know I have been walking around in a fog for much of 26 months.  The fog has lifted at times; life is no more what it was or what I had hoped it would be. The innocence, naivety, and pure joy is gone forever.  Another loss. There are so many losses and they keep showing up.

Roxy wrote about  perspective and certainly my perspective has changed.  It is all different now.  So how do I continue?  I guess, I continue just like I have.  Those of us grieving for whatever the reason, loss of a loved one, divorce, miscarriage...we will all have highs and lows. Your bad days aren't my bad days and mine are not yours.  They are unpredictable.  We must take a step forward even when it seems like 15 steps back. What we are going through doesn't make us special.  People suffer all the time.  Everyone grieves something or someone at sometime in their life.  When I think ahead to the future, I see hope for my kids.  But at the same time I never want them to go through any of this again, with anyone else they love. But they will.  So will I.  So will you.

That is the truth and it is awful.  It is so awful I wish the world would end so we could all be free of this.  I hope to God I see Andy again and feel his breath on my cheek. I want Heaven to be true. I want it more than anything.  I'm scared it isn't true.  I'm scared that life really is hopeless and awful and there is nothing at the end.  I have been stuck here.  Too scared to believe.  Too scared not to believe.  It is a struggle every day.  


After Drew died, my growing faith both sustained me and at times, abandoned me.  I began to question everything I thought I knew.  I constantly read about grief and loss. I listened to countless podcasts and sermons.  I was desperate to understand and come to a better place in my faith.  For whatever reason, about 18 months into this process, something clicked. I was in a small group and we were reading “Breaking The Cycle” by Paul Friedman. Friedman, a pastor, wrote about how he sees people over and over again when they are at their complete and utter lowest. He sees people who are so plagued by grief, addictions, shame or fear that they have nothing else.  We try to numb the pain just to survive. Inevitably, it comes right back around. It might seem better for awhile, but nothing ever changes.  In his book, Friedman explained, that he has seen people who are miserable because nothing they have tried frees them of whatever they face.

And then they find God...

Some of these people embark upon something so amazing (God), it changes the course of their life. It frees them.  These people, particularly non-believers, plant something in their hearts that wasn't there before.  There is no religion or past belief system that alters this new trust.  Their hearts are wide open and they are able to receive the gift of faith.      

My sister and I talk about having an open heart and I always think to myself... my heart could not be more open.  I want to believe.  I want to see signs.  I want to KNOW it will be okay.  It's like banging my head against the wall.  I believe the right things.  I have felt God, and I thought I knew Him.  What I am starting to see is that I have created a God and put expectations on Him because of what I have always believed rather than focusing on and studying what we DO know.  

When I FEEL about God instead of THINK about God, I am able to stop hitting my head against the wall.  I wouldn’t say that I’ve found peace.  I'm still sitting there with my head on the wall, but at least I’m not banging it over and over again. Maybe we have to give it a try? What else is there?  We keep thinking it will change or God will show us.  He isn't going to do that. I always say...GOD NEVER CHANGES. WE do the changing.  God is within us. I feel it and know it.  So why do I question it?  We question because we want God to speak to us, to reassure us.  I just don't think he can do that.  And above all else he already did the impossible, the everything.  He sacrificed his son because of his love for us and the complete mess we were making of everything.  We don't have to question, and worry, and wonder...it’s done.  We just have to ACCEPT it.  I always thought accepting God's love was a given, but I’m starting to think that maybe I don't truly accept it. Maybe I never have.  If I really did, I would be FREE to TRUST rather than DOUBT.

In our small group we studied and discussed being “righteous with God.”  For many of us, the way we grew up or the religion we practice suggests that the only way to Heaven comes by "doing the right stuff,” believing what we are taught. The book suggested that we sometimes feel we have to earn our way into heaven. I have never thought that by doing good works and being a good person, I would be allowed into Heaven or be free of my pain.  I believe what I have always believed.  That isn't a bad thing, but it is limited and herein lies the stickiness of being stuck.  We dig ourselves into a hole because of what we THINK and have always thought.

I now see that overall, even as I've been to Hell and back, even when I cry out to God, I am still thinking what I've always thought.  Be it good, bad or indifferent, my thoughts don't match how I feel or how I WANT to feel. Because of what our minds tell us we question and worry and fear.  A dear friend and mentor has always talked about heart physics and I think I finally understand.

My religion and belief system are putting limits on something limitless.  My brain doesn't match my heart.  Just like a grief counselor said to me so many months ago.  She said it and it scared me.  So I made it seem small. Well, duh...of course I thought.  My heart is broken and my head knows what happened.  Obviously they don't match up.  But now, I see that statement differently.  In order for me to "whatever"...move forward, "get over" losing Andy, trust God...I have to CHANGE my thinking and begin to see that there is no grand answer.  God isn't going to change anything,  I have to, and the ONLY thing I haven't tried, is changing my heart by allowing my mind to TRUST.  And for me, what is in my heart has been shadowed by what is in my head.  

God is real. God is good. God is forgiving. God loves us. God is with us.  This is what is in my heart.  My heart tells me to let go and trust. I have hope that if I begin to let this happen and I accept God’s love and trust in him, that maybe someday I won't have to feel this way anymore.

“God is within her, she will not fall….Psalm 46:5