... Wait Training

Surely we can't be the only ones who have loved, lost, prayed, and persevered through difficult times.  This space is created as a sounding board where we can reflect, respond, and remember the best loves in our lives.  Love.  We give it; we receive it, and that's all we can really do.  Our "why" if you will, is to connect with people through our personal experiences, and encourage individuals to share their own stories- creating a ripple effect of self-expression, connection, comfort, and healing.  Sometimes the hardest part of being a human being is the "being" part.  Taking time to be still and reflect on what you're going through is more challenging than the busy act of living life itself.  The blog name comes from the writers' attributes. Kara and Roxy, both of whom are active individuals: teachers/wives/mothers/fitness trainers/and writers at heart.  We are impatiently waiting for life's progress at times, but constantly training ourselves to improve in this department.  Join us on our journey.  Welcome to... 

"...Wait Training" 

Happiness (Kara)

November 20, 2017

I originally sent this to my sister and a few other family members and close friends.  I do that from time to time.  Writing a letter of reflection helps me, but I’ve found that it also helps them.  Throughout the piece, as well as in many others, I will refer to my husband, Drew, as Andy.  To those closest to him, who had known him forever, he was always Andy.  My three kids will be mentioned from time to time as well.  Max is 16, Addi 13 and Reese is 10.

 

...Time alone is beneficial for a zillion reasons and writing and thinking help me move ahead.  I am trying to find the meaning of all this. I have always tried to find the meaning in everything. In many cases seeking this has lead me down the wrong path. It also wasted a lot of my time and Andy’s time. I hate that.

I find myself thinking and staring more often than not. I cannot believe the amount of time I find myself just staring. I drive all the time and I hear songs that take me back in time.  There are just so many memories.  It’s fascinating how much more the words mean to me now.  I remember wondering about what certain songs meant when I’ve heard them over the years. Some didn’t even make a lot of sense to me. Now everything makes perfect sense. The songs were written in the depths of despair as well as the highest of highs.

I see the world so differently now, just like all of you. So much of this grief journey and life journey are just like everyone says, or sings about or writes about. However, what is profound to me is how impossible it is to appreciate what people have gone through until you have been there yourself.  There is no getting around it. Loss and grief are only LEARNED and UNDERSTOOD when they are EXPERIENCED.  We can feel horrible about situations and terrible about things that happen to good people, but you don’t know until it’s you. Lady Gaga sings about just that in her song “Till it happens to You.” It is desperately hard to listen to that song, but is one of the truest things I’ve heard in 9 months (How can it be 9 months?)

So here we are. Now what? I wish I had the answers, but I don’t. I am just trying to learn as I go.  I have had moments of such clarity I think I am ready to face it all. And then in the next moment, I am completely lost. In the moments I have been lost, I push away the moments of clarity. In doing so I negate them, question them, doubt them, and even try to forget them. I have to fight that and not let that happen.

I heard the song “Oh What a Night,” in the car today. I’ve heard it many times since Andy died (I hate those words) and I have changed the station because we all know the memories we associate with that song. Those are memories that make me who I am and make all of us who we are. They are good memories. No, they are great memories, which is why I avoid the song. But today I listened and I remembered.

I remembered basketball and college and all the people surrounding me during those times. I cried because those were unmeasurably wonderful times. How lucky we were to have lived them! There were basketball games, boys, parties, graduations, driving home from the lake tired from the sun, hysterical pee your pants laughing, looks on faces, proposals, weddings, births, vacations, times at the lake, anniversaries, laughter, tears....

Countless events make up our history and what I am beginning to see is that this is what it’s all about. These small things aren’t the small things at all. Yes, everyone says this, but now it means more. It's more than not sweating the small stuff because the reality is that you do sweat the small stuff. Shit happens...sprinklers don’t work, kids have to be here and there and everywhere, dinner has to be made, doctors appointments attended. These everyday pains in our asses are just teaching us the real deal, the big picture. How about when you have something that you look so forward to because it’s going to be this or that and it ends up a total bust? How about when you finally have a day when nothing “has to get done.” You have it all planned out and suddenly your kid is sick and you are cleaning up puke?  Of course you are disappointed and often pissed, but you get through it. You might do it kicking and screaming and arguing with everyone around, but you do it.

Huh, isn’t that where we are now only on the big screen called LIFE and MORTALITY and GOD and FAITH and HEAVEN? Each of these disappointments, even the smallest of which throw us into a bad mood or a wasted moment, are just little lessons to prepare us for the big stuff. You just don’t realize it until you have to.

When we look back we must not forget the ups...what would you change if you could? Besides having Andy back, I wouldn’t change everything or do it all over differently because when things were good, there was nothing greater. My life has been filled with amazingly wonderful moments. There have also been many lows. Some my own doing, and some because that is what life threw in my direction. Life is made up of both the good and the bad. In order to have one you must have the other.

With the knowledge that catastrophic events do and will happen in our lives, why do we constantly seek happiness? Happiness is fleeting. It is not a static state in which we get there and say “I’ve made it, I’m happy!” How often do we approach our lives with …If I just get…

If I can just weigh a certain amount or make enough money or have the right things...well THEN I’ll be happy.  It’s like running on a hamster wheel.  It goes on and on.

What is happiness... it’s not constant and it isn’t predictable, and it sure as hell isn’t what you think it’s gonna be. I went to dinner tonight, just Max and me. It was exactly 1 hour and 12 minutes (I timed it). We talked, he shared in his own little way of inching open and being vulnerable. We connected. It was such a small amount of time but THAT... THAT is happiness at its BEST. 

Maybe that happiness disappeared after dinner when he left to go to his friend’s house. Maybe it was gone once I walked inside my empty home, but at least it was there for a moment - even if ever so briefly.

So I will cling to that until the next time with Max or you, or someone else.  Because these moments are what carry us through the hell that we endure day in and day out.

As I get ready to go to sleep tonight I know I am truly experiencing life. I also know that Andy did too. No one loved or appreciated the good times more than he did.

I am so thankful for each of you for ALL the HAPPY that I have experienced because of you. Andy would say the same...