“Forgiveness” (Kara)

Songs get stuck in my head all the time. Sometimes out of nowhere.  Sometimes when the girls are singing around the house. Sometimes it’s annoying and sometimes I think my brain is trying to tell me something. Music is so powerful. Funny how it can bring you up… and man, it can sure bring you down. Music is like time travel.  

I have memories of my parents listening to Johnny Mathis, Diana Ross and of course the Bee Gees. These were the songs I grew up to and I’m almost certain they were 8 track tapes. My dad’s best friend, Mylon, a cowboy from North Dakota, used to love making our family reel to reel tapes. He would “play DJ” highlighting exciting basketball seasons, celebrating a new Kenny Rogers Christmas album, and tell stories commemorating various events over the years. Isn’t it funny how some songs throw you right back into a particular season of life as if time stood still.

I’ve always loved music, but it was probably Drew who introduced me to some of my favorites. Billy Joel, John Mellencamp, Paul McCartney, Tom Petty, Dave Matthews, Jimmy Buffett, Counting Crows, Jefferson Starship, Don Henley...so many songs. For months after Drew died I couldn’t listen to any music. Whenever I got in the car it was silent. Eventually I tuned into someone like Joel Osteen or worship music. But after awhile I realized Joel didn’t have the answers I was seeking. I didn't want to listen to someone telling me that “things happen for a reason” and that something amazing was going to come out of this. The thing is, no one ever talked about the hard stuff. No one talked about when people you love die and how you begin to question everything you ever knew about faith. About life. They don’t talk about the fact that the God you know, who used to bless you and give you things, is also the God who doesn’t save your husband, or cure your child, or stop horrific events. They just talk about how if you believe and pray, it’s all gonna work out. You’ll get that job, that relationship, you’ll have that baby… Sure...those things might be true, but what in the hell do we do in the meantime? So I stopped listening.  

Eventually, the music came back on, but there are still songs I can’t listen to. I’m not sure I ever will. The other day when I was busy on one of my “yellow cab” routes, I found myself listening to a little Don Henley. I remembered the concerts we went to at Deer Creek and Riverbend in Cincinnati. Those songs were the backdrop of our summers at the lake, late nights with some of our best friends and “living it up” while we were young. Suddenly my mind took me back to a night almost 30 years ago. It was late after a Richmond basketball game. Once my parents had gone to bed, Drew and I stayed up late, talking, laughing and behaving ourselves of course. MTV was on in the background and at some point we heard Don Henley singing, “The Heart of the Matter.” I remember Drew saying, “This is a great song, Kara. Timmy V (his legendary uncle Tim) told me about it”...and so we listened.

I’ve been tryin’ to get down

To the heart of the matter

But my will gets weak

And my thoughts seem to scatter

But I think it’s about forgiveness

At the time I thought it was a sad song because it’s basically about the end of a relationship. In my “young and in love,” naive mind, I couldn’t comprehend the beauty or complexity of the song. I had very little understanding of what the whole forgiveness part of the song was even about. I assumed it had to do with a marriage that didn’t work out. Maybe someone was unfaithful, a divorce, or just the end of something that once was. It made me sad to think that there was truth in the song. That things do change, life happens and relationships end. We listened and watched until the end of the video. As I laid there with him, it scared me a little. All I wanted was to hold Drew closer and know that we would always be together. I can still feel the way it felt lying there so close to him.

As I heard that song the other night, the memories began to swell from my chest down my cheeks and I thought a lot about forgiveness. I don’t need to forgive Drew for dying. He didn’t want to die. I can’t be mad at him for something that was an accident. He would be here if he could. And honestly, I don’t need to forgive God either. I’m not mad at God.  BUT….just like the song says…

And the more I know, the less I understand

All the things I thought I figured out

I have to learn again

The God I thought I knew had a plan for each of us. “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord…”Jeremiah 29:11. Growing up, this was a favorite verse of mine. My mom loved it too. I think we both just found it comforting. When all hell is breaking loose, hold tight to the fact that God has a plan. But when Drew died, I stopped believing that. How could THIS be God’s plan? God didn't plan for Drew to die in a car accident. It was an ACCIDENT. There is no one to blame, no one to forgive. Not even God. I have come to terms with that, but it’s left me frustrated and I’ve had to readjust my thinking.

For some reason, when we hear that verse from Jeremiah, we like to focus on the whole “plan thing” and fail to keep reading the rest of it... “Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” That’s God’s plan. It’s the same plan for each one of us. It’s not about how God has your life all figured out. He isn’t pulling the strings making it all happen a certain way. But that’s what I used to think. It’s sad to me and hard to face the fact that really bad shit happens and there is nothing we can do about. I guess that makes me angry…it is anger that has no place to go. There is no one to blame.  

How can I not be angry at the fact that my husband died? How can I not be angry that my kids don’t have their dad? Honestly, as awful as this sounds...How can I not feel angry that everyone else gets to go on with their lives while our lives were stolen right from under our feet? It was all right there in the palm of our hands. I see families, complete, who are doing what we were doing. I see them living a life that could have been ours and it kills me. The vacations, the family pictures and Christmas cards, father son golf outings, daddy daughter dances, date nights and trips for two… it’s endless. No one is doing anything wrong by living their lives. Drew would tell all of us to do just this. If there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s the fact that we’re all on borrowed time. Still, that doesn’t make it any easier.

So maybe the person I need to forgive is myself... for having these feelings. I am the one allowing myself to be jealous. I’m the one comparing, even when I know that no one “has it all.” No one’s life is perfect and so much of what we see is not a clear picture of reality. But if I’m honest, I do get mad. I do get jealous and it’s hard. Yes, like everything else, we get used to it. But dammit...it just doesn’t stop hurting.

I know that this world and this life are about love, but I think Don Henley was right… it’s really about forgiveness and it turns out, forgiveness is complicated. There are layers to forgiveness and forgiving people is just at the surface. For me, the hardest part of forgiveness is forgiving “what is.”

There are people in your life who’ve come and gone

They let you down, you know they’ve hurt your pride

You better put it all behind you baby, ‘cause life goes on

You keep carryin’ that anger it’ll eat you up inside baby

Nothing lasts forever. Seasons end and new ones begin. There is beauty in that, of course, but it stings like hell too. Life is like a revolving door. Circumstances change, kids grow up, someone moves, someone gets a new job, a divorce, friends come and go...someone dies. It’s not like I didn’t know this, but somehow it still surprises me when it happens. Not so much the big stuff. I am well aware that the wolf is at the door, and just because you experience a tragedy doesn't mean you won't experience another. Change and loss are the pillars of life. You can count on these no matter what. When I think about the stages in my life I see that with each beginning there was always an end. Often these stages come upon us by choice, and others, by accident.

The most important person in my life was here and now he is gone.

Friends I thought would be part of my life forever have disappeared.

People change.

I have changed.

I can’t be angry that life happens…

John Lennon said it best, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” It was the quote we used at Drew’s funeral.

Life... just... happens…     

So I listen to the 70’s station and smile when the Bee Gees sing from Saturday Night Fever. I hear Kenny Rogers and remember special friends, basketball, and all those years that were so good for so long. I sit in the quiet of my dark, lonely room crying, laughing, smiling and missing Drew, but knowing that all is forgiven.

I’m learning to live without you now,

but I miss you, baby

And the more I know the less I understand

All the things I thought I’d figured out

I have to learn again

I’ve been trying to get down

to the heart of the matter

But the flesh will get weak

And the ashes will scatter

But I think it’s about forgiveness

Forgiveness

Even if

You don’t love me anymore.