Buddy Bench (Roxy)

April 26, 2018

I love being healthy, and I love working out.  But I often need to be reminded that total wellness is about more than the food we use to fuel our bodies, and how much we exercise each day. Being healthy is also about how we feel on the inside... heart and soul. This is why I got so excited when I learned about a new piece of equipment being installed in playgrounds across America. This new equipment will contribute to that concept of total wellness!  It’s not rope swings or rock walls. Not climbing domes or monkey bars. Teeter totters aren’t making a comeback anytime soon. The new edition I’m so excited about is a bench.  Yep... a bench! But not just any bench; it’s a Buddy Bench.

The idea for the Buddy Bench originated in Germany, but became popular in the United States in 2013 when Christian Bucks (who was 10-years-old at the time) told his principal it would be a good idea to put one on their playground.  These benches have continued to gain attention popping up in the middle of the playground mulch all across the country. Some of these benches are hand-painted by students or staff members who have initiated these at individual schools. My favorite one says, “You can sit by me.” It’s one of those things that when you look at it, you can’t help but smile. The Buddy Bench is good for the health of our hearts and souls.

As an elementary teacher, I have watched the cafeteria push for healthier food choices in the lunch rooms. As a fitness instructor and coach, I have seen the increase in exercise standards, but I haven’t really seen anything that tugs on my heart strings like this until now. In a society with "one-to-one" classroom technology, and long distance "work-from-home" careers, we need this. It’s necessary. The bench itself isn’t necessary, but what it stands for is. People connecting.  Friendship...

When I walk around on recess duty each week there are always a handful of students who come up to me and cling on. They are looking for a friend. They want to ask me questions, or play games, or talk about their day. Many of these kids spend time wandering around feeling left out or lonely while the rest of the class plays kickball or foursquare with friends. Sometimes students choose to play alone, and that’s healthy too. But for the times when they desperately want a friend, the Buddy Bench was created. It’s a simple bench that the kids all know about. When you need someone to talk to, or play with, you just sit on the the bench and someone comes. Just like that.

It’s not difficult to manage. Usually the teachers have asked for volunteers ahead of time. The volunteers agree to invite anyone they see sitting on the bench to be included in an activity or game. The volunteer “buddies” are happy to be helpers, and the students who sit on the bench appreciate the opportunity for a chance at friendship.  It’s a win win. I love this concept because it means that no child has to feel excluded.

Most of us remember a time in our lives when we have felt excluded from some activity. Maybe it was a big party you weren’t invited to, or a wedding invitation that never reached your mailbox. It could be so simple as friends getting together to go to the movies and not asking you to come along. The feeling of being excluded is one of the worst feelings in the world. I have often referred to it as that “kick in the gut” feeling. That’s what it feels like when someone leaves you out and you just can’t imagine why. Then you start down the path of self doubt. What did I do wrong? Why am I not good enough? Why don’t they want me? I think I love the Buddy Bench concept so much because it represents the idea of including everyone.    

I often ask myself, is it easier to make friends as a child or as an adult? As a school age child, we are surrounded by people, and the possibility of friendships. Adults have more responsibilities, and family duties that require most of our attention.  As adults, we don’t have Buddy Benches where you can sit and get to know someone... BUT! We do have book clubs, and wine. These work too!

I don’t even remember exactly how it happened, but two years ago, I met Kara Clark. Ya know that quote, "Some people cross your path and change your whole direction?" Yeah...well...

There was no bench involved, but I was sitting in a circle of 25 or 30 women at my first faith-based book study.  I felt so out of place, but that didn’t last long. We were all taking turns introducing ourselves and saying why we were there/what we hoped to learn, etc.  When it was my turn I was physically shaking and my hands were sweaty. So I did what I do best and just said exactly what I was thinking. It came out like, “I’m Roxy, and I literally have sweaty palms because I know NOTHING about the Bible. I am way out of my comfort zone, but I’m eager to learn more.”  Whew!  My turn is over. Breathe!  

Well wouldn’t you know!  As I was giving my intro, in sneaked Kara Clark (late as usual).  She heard what I said, plopped down next to me, grabbed my hand, and said something like, “I’m Kara. This is NOT my first small group, and I still get nervous too; so Roxy, you can sit by me!” And then she just smiled, this goofy grin. I think I was a little in shock that this almost stranger just came right up to me and instantly put my mind at ease. Kara’s gesture of simply sitting by me, and engaging in conversation helped me to relax. At that moment I stopped shaking... because sitting next to her felt... a lot like coming home. I could breathe again.

Fast forward one year, three book clubs, and approximately 4,111,969 text messages later, Kara and I were both asked by our good friend, Tammy Weisweaver, to give our “testimonies” at a church in front of a group of about 40 women. Neither of us loved the idea of speaking in front of a group, but we did love Tammy, so we agreed...ready or not, we were doing it. Kara asked if I wanted to meet up before the next small group to talk about what we were going to say.  I agreed that it would be fun to have a buddy to prepare with, so we met up for a glass of wine (or three) a couple of hours before we were due to speak. We ended up talking so much, (it may have been the wine) we were almost late to speak at the church, but we made it!  We both survived, and maybe even enjoyed speaking to the group of women that day.

In looking back at that story, Kara and I didn’t have a Buddy Bench, but we did have common threads. We bonded over wine, and nervousness, and Jesus, and writing, and motherhood, and exercise, and grief, and loss, and somewhere in the middle of all of that, we each gained a friend...And the crazy part is that now, not only do we have a friendship, but we also have a blog that has created more friendships than most readers will ever know about. The stories written by our guest authors are so well received that many connections have been made behind the scenes. Women are reaching out, writing back and forth, talking on the phone, meeting for brunch, and supporting each other. It’s so beautiful. It’s good for your heart and soul... kind of like the Buddy Bench. It’s as if we are all starting to say to one another, “You can sit by me.”