Philippians 4:13 (Kara)
March 01, 2018
There were and still are so many pieces to this unwanted and unforgiving puzzle. The roller coaster makes me sick to my stomach. Up and down, high and low, around and around my thoughts swirl. I feel like I'm losing my mind. There is always so much to think about. It is mentally and physically exhausting.
Surviving loss requires compartmentalizing. Without it, I would have literally gone crazy. There are so many awful days when one thought leads to the next, and everywhere I turn there is something else. Something else I have to figure out, handle on my own. It is endless. I often feel like I’m losing my mind and worry I’ll have a heart attack as my heart breaks and races at the same time. And so I compartmentalize.
It used to be that when I heard someone say you just have to “put it out of your mind,” I was always left thinking, I don’t know how you do that. How does a person just not think about certain things? I guess, like so many other things, I didn't understand it until I had to. I was forced to learn this “skill” the day Drew died. When I look back I don’t know how I ever left the hospital. If I could go back I would never leave him. I would never leave his side. But I did. I had to. I didn’t have time to be indecisive. I had to act right then and there.
Somehow, someway I walked away...I had to think about my kids. I had to be the one to tell them. I knew that. So I left. But honestly I never really left the hospital that day. Drew and I both died in that accident. We both just disappeared. All those years, all that life, all those dreams... Just gone… Only I’m still here. Physically, anyway. I have to be here for my kids and that is a heavy weight to carry.
Being a single parent (it has taken me over 2 years to even start to process this) is something I was not prepared to take on. I worry constantly that I’m not doing enough. What in God’s name am I doing to my kids? I’m not the mom I wanted to be. I’m not the mom I was before Drew died. Will they look back and know that I tried my hardest to be both mom and dad? Will they see that I did the best I could while trying to survive my own grief? My thoughts can drag me into a paralyzed state of indecision. My natural way of thinking often leads me to destructive thought patterns leaving me to feel helpless and worthless. I convince myself I can’t possibly make one more decision. Not for my kids, or my life, or for my faith.
They say that Indecision is actually a decision. Which got me to thinking...when I go “there” and my thoughts try to take me down, I am deciding to do nothing. I am in a state of indecision and that is the wrong choice to make. Every time I am left thinking rather than doing, I go under. Without question, without fail. I sink.
Roxy says, “Just don’t think about how overwhelmed you are. Categorize your tasks, break them down, rank them in order of importance. Deal with one issue at a time.” This is how her mind works. I know she’s right. I have to make a choice. There is always a choice. I also know that for many, myself included, making that choice, or any choice really, is very difficult. I am a person who has battled depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. My natural tendency is exactly the opposite of what Roxy suggests. I truly believe that this is how I am wired. Whatever the situation, I convince myself I just don’t have the strength to keep going and keep trying. Some days it’s just too hard to make myself do anything and then I feel even worse. My head gets the best of me.
This is when I must CHOOSE to take a breath. Breathe in, breathe out...now just do something...anything…
Last week I was in Jill’s boxing class, and as she shared her message, I was struck by 3 little words… “Just do something!” It was very different than the familiar Nike phrase “Just Do It” because that phrase implies that you know what to do. There is a goal to reach. They are similar, but what I like about the way Jill said it, is the word something. SOMETHING suggests, imperfection, missteps, uncertainty. It’s simply about the act of doing. I moan and groan, complain, sulk, stress, worry and live in fear...but I am not DOING anything about it. What do I actually do to combat the negative in my head? When I think back to the times in my life where I was thriving, it was because I was taking action of some kind. Challenging myself, to get out of my comfort zone.
A few years ago my Soul Sister, Stacy, and I took on the challenge of becoming barre instructors. I’ll never forget when we found out we would be going through training together. I remember us talking and Stacy was saying...Why not, we can do this? We talked and talked and towards the end of our conversation she said, with such confidence,“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” and with that ...we were off!
I have always admired Stacy’s faith and love how she can quote from the Bible. As I began this journey, I knew I had to dig deep, beyond myself. I figured what the hell, I have nothing to lose. I decided to take that verse (which I had to look up by the way) Philippians 4:13, and make it my “go to.” Every time the insecurities started, every time the voice inside my head was telling me I wasn't enough, not strong enough, skinny enough, brave enough, I said the verse. Sometimes I said it out loud, sometimes I just meditated on those specific words or said them in my head. And you know what? It worked.
It wasn’t major or time consuming. It wasn’t a solution...it was just SOMETHING. Simply reciting and meditating on that one verse gave me just enough time to take PAUSE and CHOOSE my thoughts. I grew in my confidence. I grew less anxious, even though I was being challenged more than I had for a very long time. There was a shift. I was giving it to God and I began to recognize that He’s got me. He’s got us.
I clung to that verse that summer. It was a stressful season for Drew and me. As I was going through barre instructor training, Drew was going through a challenge of his own. The business where he was COO was selling. He was completely lost in that process. Drew didn’t sleep, he didn’t eat. He was a mess. He too, relied on that verse over and over and over. Even the kids were into it. We texted it, we said it, we stuck it on the fridge… it became part of our daily conversations. We began breaking the habit of worry and angst and replacing it with faith.
Did it make our lives perfect or take away our problems? Absolutely not. Were we still anxious and stressed? Yes we were. But did it help? Yes it did. It helped in moments of fear and worry and at the same time it was building our faith little by little. We were training our minds to first go to God. I grew as a person that summer, but more than anything I grew in my faith.
When I look back on my life I can see that I have always had someone by my side. My family, my sister, Drew...and some very dear friends. I have always depended on these people. Every step of the way I have been loved and supported. When Drew died it became painfully obvious that people have their own lives, and they should, but this is when I feel the most alone. In this life, the reality is that at any given moment, on any given day, I could lose someone. It is a terrible feeling. I have felt loneliness that I could not comprehend before. Ultimately, I am alone.
But... when I take pause, maybe say a verse, or take a breath, I see it clearly. When everyone else is gone (and we will all be gone) the One that never goes away is GOD. No matter what life gives us, we can and will figure it out. I have learned that when I fall (and oh how I fall)… I will get up. Even if I fall right back down on my face… I will rise up. It might be awful and painful, but God never promised us easy. He didn’t even promise us “good.” But what He did promise is that, through Him, it is possible because He never goes away. It is possible to get out of bed. It is possible to accept the fact that Drew died. It is possible to keep trying and just do something.
This is how ...I “can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”...