Forward (Kara)

I can’t say I was sad to see the month of April end. It was a rough one, but really aren’t they all? Every day is hard without Drew. The vacations, birthdays, anniversaries and holidays just make it sting a little more. Grief is so unpredictable and complicated. You just never know when it’s going to take you down. Everyone always says “That first year” is this or that. I wonder if people think it somehow magically gets easier each year, each event. I am here to tell you it just doesn’t.

When spring comes there’s a new energy and anticipation in the air. The days are brighter, the grass is greener, and the buds are blooming. We welcome warm weather by rolling down the car windows and listening to the music too loud. It’s in these times you think, “Man, life is good!”

But then it’s not.  

April brought about spring break, Addi’s birthday, Max’s birthday, and April 11th was Drew’s birthday. I wonder if the kids go through the worry and the angst leading up to each occasion the way I do. Often the lead up is worse than the actual day. This is the 3rd time we’ve gone through these events and it just doesn’t get easier. You convince yourself that, because you got through it last year, you will again this year.  But it’s not easier. It’s just different. You mentally prepare, get a plan and think, “It’s okay, we can do this…” and suddenly you want to curl up in a ball in a corner somewhere.

I think it hit me when I told someone Drew would have been 49 this year. I expected to feel worse when he would turn 50, but 49 just hit me. I only remember Drew until he was 46. He will forever be 46. We get older. He doesn't. 

How different we all are now. We have changed so much. I wonder, if he would even recognize us? The kids aren’t the carefree kids they once were. They aren’t how he left them. They are bruised, but they are strong.

I am a different me when I get up every morning. The wrinkles on my face, the pain in my jaw from clenching my teeth, exhaustion, the ache, the unending sadness... I know I’m getting older, but losing Drew has aged me inside and out. I don’t look the same, and I sure as hell don’t feel the same either.

When I think about the pure loss of Drew I panic. When I think about the life that we had and all of our future plans… I am honestly paralyzed.  It is too much. It is horrifying. Depending on the day, the hour, it breaks me. It’s lonely and empty and sad. Hopeless. I’ve said it before...I just get stuck. I begin to wonder what the point is? Why do I care about anything at all? Nothing even matters. For me, there is no joy that isn’t tainted or heartbreaking. There are weeks when I feel like hiding from just about everything and everyone. I sleep, I stare at nothing, I cry even when there are no tears or the tears won’t stop rolling down my face.    

This is when my kids absolutely save my life. Just when I’m sinking... in they come like a house afire, as Drew would say. “Mom!...you need to, I have to be here at such and such time, I need money, why didn’t you, will you, why not…” It’s golf season, finals, middle school drama that is “life or death,” and of course, there is slime. Slime is everywhere and reminders of it are in every corner of this house. Suddenly, the bubble of sadness breaks and I’m thrown right back into reality.  And thank God for that. I thank God for my kids!

There’s an old Kenny Rogers song I grew up listening to...the chorus says something like  “A man who walks by the side of the road, can turn himself around, pick himself up, dust himself off, start all over again…” I don’t think I had heard that song in 15 years, but for some reason in the last 32 months it plays in my head over and over, out of nowhere. I know that starting over is how we go on. I know it’s what I have to do.  I have to do it. For my kids, my family and friends...for Drew.

On this Mother’s Day I am celebrating the fact that I am a mom. I am eternally grateful for my kids. They keep me going every single day and they don’t even know it. I could not have survived losing Drew if not for Max, Addi and Reese.  It is a privilege to be their mom.

I know so many amazing and beautiful mothers. Some are mothers to their own children, adopted children and children they have lost. Some pray for the day they will become a mom. Some are mothers to their pets and some are like mothers to me. Some are no longer here. You are my sisters, aunts, friends, relatives, like my mother-in-law and sister-in-laws. You are my tribe and I celebrate each of you.

I am beyond blessed and lucky and thankful for my mom, Anne. Drew used to say, “Your mom is seriously the nicest person I have ever known.” How right he was. When you see her you might think, she’s a cute little lady who drinks Pepsi and calls my dad Pal. But she’s so much more than that.  My mom has saved me and forgiven me and loved me in the way only a mother can. I admire her for many reasons, but maybe most of all, for her strength. She has never had it easy, but has always chosen to move forward. Loss and pain are something she knows all too well. She would say her faith has gotten her through.  She passed that on to me and I hope to pass it on to my children.

To my children, thank you for making me your mom and giving me purpose.

To my beautiful mom, thank you for your strength and leading by example..

To all of us...Happy Mother’s Day!