Beautiful Mess (Roxy)

January 31, 2018

Why is it that we always seem to want what we don’t have?  How many hours do we spend straightening our naturals curls?  Or maybe it’s just the opposite.  How often do we wish we had our neighbor’s tidy house or our best friend’s perfect complexion?  We want a different job, in a town with a better climate, that pays more money, or maybe one that isn’t so demanding.  We long for a loved one who is gone, or maybe we are praying for a child who has yet to be conceived.  So many hours are spent focusing on what we don’t have.  Imagine how much richer our lives would be if we embraced all the blessings we DO have.  

As we live through more life experiences, we gain perspective, and the more people we surround ourselves with, the more perspectives we collect.  Learning from other people’s experiences, as well as our own, can be a blessing.  I’m still reflecting on what I learned December 25th.  We were hosting our usual Christmas party. Don’t get me wrong, I love people; especially my family, but I was exhausted by the time dinner was over. I couldn’t help thinking how nice it would be to sneak upstairs and collapse into bed alone while the festivities continued without me.

It was 7:00PM when my family busted out decks of cards, board games, and video games. They were NOT leaving. Shortly after the games began, one of our favorite neighbors rang the doorbell.  She had accepted our invitation to join us for a Christmas cocktail.  Things livened up even more when our good friends walked through the back door and hollered “Merry Christmas!”  Our party was not ending anytime soon.  Even though I was desperate for peace and quiet, I got my second wind and truly enjoyed spending time with family and friends, but what’s even better is the new perspective I gained.  

Our friends were “kidless” since their children were spending Christmas with their biological mother. It’s ironic to me that they could have shared a romantic Christmas alone, but instead chose to hang out with us and join in with our kids, our extended family, and its typical craziness.  It didn’t even occur to me that maybe they missed their own children and needed a sense of family on this day.  I guess peace and quiet isn’t always desirable.

The neighbor who joined us had lost her husband to pancreatic cancer last year. She had just returned from a road trip to spread his ashes.  Aside from her late husband, her entire family lived across the country on the west coast. She didn’t have children, so she was alone for the holidays.  I was so glad she came over to spend part of her Christmas with us, but I was a little embarrassed by the mess in my house after a day of hosting.  I found myself apologizing for my youngest child who kept interrupting the “grown-up conversation” we were trying to have. I was reprimanding my daughter, and when I returned to the conversation I noticed my neighbor had lost her focus.  She began sort of scanning the room.  I thought she was irritated with the interruptions or the slew of noisy relatives, but instead she said, “Roxy, do you know how lucky you are?  You are surrounded with so many wonderful people all the time.  It’s just beautiful.”

I wrinkled my forehead and looked around the house.  Lucky?  It’s a MESS!  All I could focus on was the noise and the clutter. There were crumbs on the floor, half empty plates abandoned on tables, and spaghetti sauce splattered on countertops.  The kids had game pieces scattered everywhere.  I took note of my sisters chatting away, lounging on the couches, my dad sleeping in his wheelchair, and men shaking martinis or making Moscow Mules at the bar. It would take me forever to clean the kitchen after they left.  I longed for a tidy, quiet house where I could focus and write once in a while with no distractions.  I was desperate for an hour where nobody needed my attention.  Yet here she was, aching for family, people, noise and action; anything to distract her from her sadness.  She entered what I saw as “chaos” and called me “lucky.”  

She was right.  

When I looked at things from her perspective I realized that maybe true happiness is not about having what we want (when we want it) as much as it is about appreciating what is right in front of us.  It’s not that I’m ungrateful for my blessings, it’s just that I usually stay so busy, I don’t take time to count them.  I’m learning that when I am still, I am able to appreciate the perspective of others.  In doing so, I am better able to see the many blessings right in front of me.  In the holiday hubbub that I labeled a “mess”, my neighbor saw family, and companionship, and beauty.  I was so worried about the afterparty clean-up, that I didn’t take the time to enjoy the celebration itself.  I learned so much from her observation and perspective.  Live and learn!    

Next year will be different.  I’ll stop counting water marks left on coffee tables, and game pieces stuck in the carpet.  I’ll ignore the trails of cookie crumbs left by the children and be thankful I was blessed to have two healthy children in the first place.  I’ll have the pleasure of spending time with family members who are still alive to celebrate, and I will count the friends who pop in among my many blessings.  Will there still be chaos, and noise, and crumbs, and spills, and a mess in the house?  Probably...but next time I will know to look for the beauty in it.