Teflon (Roxy)

When Brian and I built our current home 15 years ago, I bought a new set of pots and pans for the new kitchen. They were slate gray on the outside with a Teflon interior which was perfect because I used to burn food all the time. Seriously. 

Throughout our first year of marriage I think we were only able to eat the top layer of every casserole or sauteed dish I attempted because the bottom half always stuck to the pan. I had no problem preparing the meal, but once I put a pot over the fire, or a dish in the oven, there was a 50% chance we would end up at my parents’ house for dinner. Looking on the bright side, the smoke alarms in our first house were always in working order. 

My saving grace was Teflon! It’s the tough coating that keeps food from sticking to the pan once the heat is on. Teflon resists not only heat, but also chemical corrosion, abrasion, and everyday wear. I don’t want to brag, but the new pots and pans were a game changer for my cooking confidence! After about a year of putting tasty meals on the table, I finally felt ready to step out of my comfort zone and host Thanksgiving dinner. Confession... my brother Mike came over at 7:00 A.M. to start the turkey. He was the “meat expert” in all of our family meals, but I was still in charge of the mashed potatoes, dressing, and desserts. 

My mom insisted on mashed potatoes being made from scratch. She taught me how to cook, while my dad taught me how to shop. To honor them both, I avoided the boxed flakes I knew would have been easier and bought the biggest (10 pound) bag of Russet potatoes because it was the best value. And we always shop the best value! 

With the family coming at 12:30, I decided to wait until around mid morning to begin making the sides. I scrubbed the potatoes clean, peeled off the skins, and chopped all 10 pounds into one inch cubes. I swear I stood over the sink for hours. I don’t even like mashed potatoes!
It took FOREVER for them to boil. All of the other food was ready, but the potatoes still weren’t soft enough to mash. Mike’s turkey was done and my father was carving it. My sister’s noodles and green bean casseroles we were staying warm in the oven. The gravy was the perfect consistency. The stuffing was piping hot. Everyone was ready to eat; but the potatoes weren’t quite ready. I stalled by serving French Martini’s because those were always a crowd pleaser, but I knew that could only buy me so much time. 

My family is wonderful, but they are not patient when it comes to mealtime. I was starting to sweat. Finally when the potatoes were soft, I quickly drained the water and decided not to waste time putting them into a separate mixing bowl. I poured some milk into my enormous new Teflon pot and added some Velveeta cheese cuz that’s how I roll. I stuck it all under the stand mixer, mentally patting myself on the back because I was about to pull off Thanksgiving dinner for the first time. While the metal beaters went to work, I walked into the dinning room to give my salivating siblings the “Two minutes until we can eat!” announcement, and they were thrilled. 

I went back into the kitchen and found my mom peering over the mixing stand into the pot of mashed potatoes. She had a funny look on her face. I couldn’t tell if she was confused about something or proud. So I flashed her my “I know I’m awesome” grin. Then I held up a yellow box and said, “I added Velveeta just like you. I remembered the secret ingredient.” 

But she didn’t smile back. Instead, Mom scrunched her forehead, peered deeper into the pot and asked, “Did you add a lot of pepper, too?”

Huh? 

Wait. 

What?!

“No, why?” I asked as I hurried over to the pot to see what she was talking about. What I saw inside was devastating, humbling, and hilarious all at once. 

It was Teflon. Not pepper! My mother was staring at 10 pounds of mashed potatoes covered in Teflon shavings. It never occurred to me that my “perfect” pots and pans could withstand fire, chemical corrosion, abrasion, and everyday wear; but they would fall apart under the spin of some metal beaters.

Teflon… Crap!

How did I NOT know this would happen?!

I had just ruined one of the main dishes of this special family meal. All I wanted was for my older siblings to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner- and selfishly I guess I wanted them to know I could host a nice dinner. As the youngest of six, I probably seek approval or acknowledgement more than most. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.

I’m sure I probably had tears in my eyes. I inhaled deeply, not knowing what to do next, and before I could exhale or even say a word my mom went to work. 

“It’s ok,” she washed her hands with soap and started talking me down before I even went to the ledge. She knew exactly what to do. “Don’t worry. We can fix this! Here... help me.” 

What I saw next was unbelievable. My germphobic mother began picking Teflon flakes out of the mashed potatoes with her bare hands! Gross.

I think my jaw hit the floor.

“Mom! You can’t be serious.”

“Hush! It’s fine. They’ll never know,” she whispered. 

I just stared at her as if to say, “But we don’t do stuff like this!” 

Then she impatiently gestured for me to come help. And... as if trying to tell me it was ok, she winked at me and flashed her own “I know I’m awesome” grin. 

I don’t know if I have ever loved her more!

Last week a friend told me, “Love is not about acknowledgement.” I held on to those words, and as I think back to this memory I realize that she was right. I wanted my mom to congratulate me on a perfect Thanksgiving dinner. That’s not how she showed her love that day. Love is NOT about acknowledgement, it’s about being there for someone even when they should have known better. It’s about kindness. 

I couldn’t believe it. I thought my mom would be disappointed in me for being so dumb about the potatoes, but she wasn’t. Not even a little! It turns out the woman who set the bar so high for me, who at times left me feeling like I would never be enough… the mother I was constantly trying to please… well, it turns out she didn’t love me for my Teflon exterior, she loved me no matter what! 

I washed my hands again for good measure and did as I was told. Side by side, giggling and snickering the entire time, my mom and I picked out the flakes until we were able to salvage about half of the mashed potatoes. We pitched the other half in the trash and told everyone it was time to pray.

Thanksgiving dinner wasn’t perfect that year, but it was complete. Even without the potatoes, it would have been complete.

Another writer might have ended here with the sharing of that silly memory, but there’s a metaphor worth addressing in the whole situation. Since much of what we share on the blog deals with life lessons, I can’t help comparing the seemingly indestructible exterior of the Teflon pots and pans to the facade many of us put on every day. 

My mother was such a strong woman. My sisters are all strong women. I’m pretty strong... most days, but not one of us is indestructible. Knowing we are not always going to perform perfectly leaves us with many questions. How do we go about our daily tasks withstanding “the heat” and pressure of life? Tolerating abrasive personalities, standing up to seemingly impossible situations, and functioning as responsible adults? How do we recover after we mess up big time? Or worse, how do we make amends when we hurt someone who is important to us? What do we do when our emotions get fickle? When our typically strong exterior breaks down, and we “flake,” so to speak? 

Maybe the biggest question is how do we salvage what’s left of our imperfect INTERIOR when we break down as the metaphorical Teflon wears off? I think I found the answer reflecting back on that Thanksgiving dinner over a decade ago. It’s pretty simple really... We DON’T do it ALONE!

Just like my “mashed potato mess,” anything is easier to clean up when the people you love are right by your side. When we do mess up big time, when we flake on something important, or when we hurt someone we love, we can’t dwell on it. And we certainly don’t throw it all away! We move on quickly. We get past any flaky actions or careless words, and offer the parts of ourselves that are still great despite our flaws. We put what we can on the table, hoping it will be enough. And for the people who stay, we love them, we enjoy them, and we give thanks.