I will never think of Father's Day the way I used to. Not since the last Father’s day with Drew has it ever been the same. My kids don't have their dad here to mark the day. What they can recall from their past jumbles together and mixes with all that’s left...memories. Some clear, some not clear at all. 

I'll never know why that last Father's Day we had with Drew, I grabbed his phone and took a video. It wasn't something I did regularly. He was explaining the game of croquette tothe kids, in the way only Drew could...fast paced, loud, a beer in hand, sporting one of his beloved Howler Brothers t-shirts. We had just given him a new croquet set, each mallet personalized with something special…”Drew, Dad, The Wall, Happy Father’s Day, 2015…”

I called to them,”Everybody turn around, Father’s day 2015!”

Each of them turned toward me with a wave as Drew smiled and raised his mallet high in the air proudly yelling, “Father’s Day 2015...in the books!”

It's like he knew...but of course he didn't. None of us knew. How much more would we have celebrated, laughed with him, hugged him, loved him…

Today is another one of those days over the course of the calendar year that so many of us know all too well. A day that hurts your heart from the inside out in a way no one else knows, but you. My loss is the worst because it's mine. Yours is the worst because it's yours. Each of ours is different even if we mourn the loss of the same person. Drew was my husband. He was Dad to my kids. So when the day comes around we all feel differently. A lot different actually. The kids and I found ourselves at lunch this afternoon to somehow acknowledge the day. But we actually laughed at how ridiculous it was that there we were, a family without its father, out to lunch on Father's Day. It's good we can smile about it, I guess, even when it's so damn sad. 

These days just take time. Time to survive, experience, learn from, get through, forget. Does it get easier? No, not really. It just gets different. For each of us in our own way, in our own time, for the rest of our lives. And that's really hard.

As difficult as this day is, I still have my dad. I know how lucky I am. I know our time together is a gift. I cannot imagine not having him here. Which takes me right back to the fact that my kids don't get to have that. It's a fine line between being so very thankful and down right bitter.

My sister always says, “Focus on what is, not what isn't. It helps. So that's what I try to do. When I think about my dad I'm just so grateful for the life he and my mom gave me. I’m so grateful for all the memories. I'm so thankful he has always been a rock in my life through the best of times and the absolute worst. I am proud to be his daughter. He is the best man I know.

Fortunately we spend a lot of time together at Wall Lake. Our days are different now.The kids are older, and so are we. We still set the chairs out in the yard just like Andy used to. We sit and talk and talk some more. When the mosquitoes get bad we move to my parents screened in porch where we talk some more and laugh a lot. So easy, so simple, so special. My dad still mows the lawn at all three cottages, he does the mulch and rakes the beach. He takes care of everything when we're not there. He does it all, like he always has..for all of us. And I know he does it for Andy. He doesn't have to say it, but I know. 

I got caught in the rain a bit ago. How fitting, I thought as the tears mixed with rain ran down my cheeks. I couldn't tell which was which and I didn't really care.

I'm sad today but so damn grateful. Grateful for my dad who gave me everything, who has loved me for 48 years unconditionally. I am grateful for the family Drew and I created and the many years he was able to be a father and give to his children what my dad gave me. If only it could have been for just a little while longer…

Happy Father's Day.