Figuring It Out (Kara)
In the last 33 months I have come to the conclusion that in pretty much any situation...I will figure it out. It doesn't mean it will be easy or even work out the way I would like. Regardless, I will figure it out. Having that knowledge is something. And finding “something” is the first stop, especially when you’re getting off the struggle bus. Sometimes “something” is everything.
For as long as I can remember, my first thought when taking on a new task or situation has always been, “I can’t.” Before I know it, I have come up with at least 10 “worst case” scenarios (99% of which never come to fruition). Each one playing out how I won’t be this or that. The doubting and insecurity kick into full gear. I have often begun something only to dread it because of getting lost in “I can't, I’m not, I won’t.”
When I look back on my life I see the many times I convinced myself I couldn't do something. There were countless missed opportunities, relationships and experiences because I was afraid. I think that no matter how we go through life, there will always be “what if’s.” I guess I would just like for there to be fewer of those and more memories of when I made myself do something, even when I was scared. When I reflect on the times I did this, I see that the most growth, the most joy, has come from the hardest things I've done. Most of which began with the overwhelming fear that I would not be able to do it.
Indeed our lives are filled with the love of people, our relationships and profoundly perfect moments. Our lives are also full of loss, sadness and hard times. We all have “a lot of shit,” as I always tell Roxy. There is and will always be shit….shit that has to get done, shit to be learned, shit to be figured out. If it’s not one thing, it’s something else. One problem is solved and immediately there’s another. A broken water softener turns into a minor flooded basement, an air conditioner is on the fritz when it’s 97 degrees, spring taxes must get paid, license plates renewed, a deteriorating lake cottage must be dealt with and the list goes on. It is hard for me to believe that now when these things happen, I am the one on whom they fall. It is up to me to make the decisions and choices. In many of the cases there just hasn’t been time for me to go into my typical, “I’ll never be able to…” mode of thinking. I have been forced to rely on myself to make the best decision I can in any given situation. It hasn’t been easy and I’ve made some mistakes. I just try to learn as I go and make one decision at a time knowing there will be more to come.
I decided to sell the hot tub which was a decision I hated having to make. It was Drew’s and he absolutely loved it! He was a huge fan of hot tubs and always said that one day he would have one. Finally, about 5 years ago, he took the plunge, so to speak. I remember when he got it. He was overly excited, overly obsessed with choosing “the perfect one,” overly childlike and he overly spent in his typical “Go big or go home” style. It made me happy to see him so happy.
I’ve considered selling it before. It is one of so many things I put off because I simply could not handle another decision, another loss, another unreal part of my new reality. But the more time that went by, it became painfully obvious that there was no point in it sitting here if no one was going to use it. We tried to hang on. Max especially. I’m certain it was because he and his dad spent a lot of time together in that hot tub. He’ll never admit to it, but of course that’s it. Drew’s brother and brother-in-law got it all up to par...just the way Drew liked to have it. Water temperature perfect, chemicals as they should be...T.V. on, beers within reach. Max kept it up for a while (sans the beers) but then he didn’t. And that was that.
I never liked the hot tub. It wasn’t something I ever used. I used to get so pissed at Drew and the kids because every time they got in and out they would leave footprints on my hardwood floors. God forbid they leave footprints. I mean I was super specific about what to do upon exiting the hot tub. Grab a towel, dry off your feet...in fact, why not just step on a towel as you walk on the wood floor? I would literally say, “I HATE this hot tub!” I remember Drew laughing at me… he would mock me saying, between amused giggles, “I hate the hot tub!” Oh how he would laugh. I smile at the memory, but not without regret. How ridiculous. How simply ridiculous that I would have ever wasted a moment of my life with Drew complaining about stupid ass footprints on my stupid ass wood floors. I was a stupid ass!
I can just picture Drew in that hot tub. It was his most favorite thing to do when he wanted to relax. How many times did I look out onto the porch and see his “floating head,” water whooshing around him. He would smile that goofy smile and give me a little wave inviting me to join him, knowing perfectly well I never would (probably because I was too busy cleaning the floors). I can’t get the image out of my head.
Thinking about the process of selling the hot tub overwhelmed me and made me anxious. To complicate the situation, the hot tub was actually on our screened in porch. The funny and not so funny part of the story is that I have absolutely no recollection of how Drew got that hot tub in there. It was his “baby” and I didn’t involve myself with any of it. So, not only did I have to find a buyer, I had to find someone who could figure out how to get it out of there. I worried and stressed trying to figure out how it was all going to come together. I automatically assumed I wouldn’t be able to sell it on my own. I figured I would ask someone to help me sell it or see if anyone I knew wanted it. It’s just my normal thought process. Whatever it is, my tendency is to fret and worry and doubt myself. So of course that’s what I did.
One night I thought well...maybe I’ll just take a few pictures of the hot tub to give to someone so they can try to sell it. Once I had done that, I decided to look on the Granger Market Place website. I briefly browsed and learned how it all worked. In a matter of minutes the hot tub was for sale and pictures were posted. Literally a few minutes later people were asking questions and wanting more information. Almost immediately the weight of worry and doubt that I would “never be able to…” went away. When I relied on myself and my own abilities rather than spend all of my energy doubting and stressing about how it was all going to work out...I figured it out. I had multiple offers and sure enough. I sold it.
This is one of those things that when I look back I see that it wasn’t something I wanted to do. It would have been easier to let someone else deal with it. I was scared, I was uncertain and I didn't have faith in myself that I could get it done. But I did.
The stupid hot tub that drove me crazy is so symbolic of my life. Precious memories of what it was like when Drew was here. Then the reality of when it sat unused; a constant reminder that Drew is gone. And now it’s just a dirty, dusty, empty porch. All that’s left are a couple of worn rugs, the trash can Drew had for his empties, and a chair I dragged in from the deck.
The day they came to take it away I was filled with emotion. I was anxious, nauseous, on the verge of losing it. Most of all I was sad. It just made me so very sad. I was scared to look out on the porch that would now be empty. I hid in the dining room sobbing, so no one could see me. But I knew I had to look. And so I did.
A few days later I glanced out onto the porch. I was overcome with the feeling that I wanted to go out there and sit. Like I knew it would be a good thing. I’d love to think that the feeling I got was a sign from Drew and maybe it was. Who knows? Regardless, the porch didn’t seem quite as sad as it had a few days before. I poured myself a glass of Cabernet, complete with ice cubes just how Drew liked, walked out to the porch and took a seat. There I sat. Sad, but okay.
And so I toasted… to Drew, his hot tub and to figuring it out.