No Kids Allowed (Roxy)

November 19, 2017

It had been a long week in my classroom of 32 fifth graders, and I was looking forward to having a much needed “date night” with Brian at one of our favorite restaurants .  We were having dinner with a younger couple who had just returned from a trip to Paris.  They loved to travel and had a bucket list of plans to see amazing countries all over the world.  We had never been to France so it was interesting to hear all about their adventures.  The girl told us how her husband had taken dozens of different photographs of the Eiffel Tower.  She laughed describing how he even took photos of the construction crew while they were repairing a few sections of the tower.   Despite the fact that it had been standing since 1889, some parts of the structure seemed flawless while others needed repairs.  The young man justified that he had taken shots from every angle because he didn’t want to miss seeing any of it.  

She teased him a little bit about his obsession before he was able to change the subject. Finally, he smirked at his wife, looked across the table at my husband and me with one raised eyebrow, and said, “Let me ask you guys something.  You’re parents… so when is the ‘right time’ to start a family?  What do you love most about having kids?”

This was a loaded question of course, because we knew he had been trying to convince his wife to start having children, but she wasn’t sure they were quite ready yet.  After all, it is a little difficult to travel the world with a stroller in tow.  Brian and I both understood where they were coming from because we had lots of conversations before starting a family and we found ourselves in a very similar position.  He was ready for parenthood several years before I was.   

Brian knew he wanted children since he was in high school.  He is a phenomenal dad.  So good that at times I feel sub-par in my parenting skills compared to him.  Am I doing any of this parenting stuff right?  Is there ever a “right time” to start a family?  Is anyone ever really ready?

In my head, I wanted to tell the young couple this...

There are times I still don’t feel ready and our children are 14 and 7 years old!  The movie Bad Moms comes to mind when I think of my own parenting skills.  Unlike other moms, I don’t carry a huge purse full of tissues, coloring books, and “just in case” snacks.  I have a credit card in my back pocket at all times, and if the kids are hungry, I’m more likely to hit the drive-thru than prepare a meal at home.

I don’t sew homemade Halloween costumes, or save artwork.  I sometimes lose lunch boxes and forget to sign permission slips.  I hate sitting on the bleachers at baseball games, and the idea of “being still” during a family board game sends me into a panic attack.  The things most women do that make them “good moms” does not always appeal to me.  I mean seriously.  When Grayden lost his first tooth, we didn’t have any cash in the house so we considered putting our Discover card under his pillow.  He had been wiggling it for days.  Why wasn’t I prepared with a shiny golden dollar?  My own mom would be so disappointed.  And this whole “Elf on the Shelf” thing?  WTH?!  Sometimes ours doesn’t move for three days!  

There are times I’m barely keeping my head above water.  I struggle to remember a time when Brian and I had a romantic date night; a time before meltdowns, carpools, play dates, and tuition fees.  There is a part of me that wants to tell this young couple to keep it simple and just enjoy themselves.  Travel the world!  Take your photographs.  Make memories with just the two of you, and have loud sex without locking your bedroom door.  Heck, use the whole house - we used to!

Part of me wants to tell this couple that they can’t sneak away for a vacation to Paris once they have kids because they’ll be running to guitar lessons, musical theater rehearsal, soccer practice, softball practice, choir concerts, and yes even quiz bowl matches.  Should I tell them they won’t be able to afford Paris because the kids’ activities will eat up their vacation fund? Should I tell them before I picked the restaurant tonight I made sure there were no kids allowed here because I just wanted to have an adult dinner?  

Being a teacher and a mom I had moments of exhaustion when I just needed a break from all children in general.  I was desperate for a few hours when no one needed me.  Should I tell them that version of my story?

No.  Probably not.  These feelings of the day-to-day parenting challenges are definitely not what you share with two people who are deciding whether or not to have a child.  Instead of focusing on the “constant busy” that has become our norm, I quickly chose a different perspective.  I needed to consider all of the things I was doing right as a parent and not list all of my shortcomings and insecurities.  

So when the guy asked what our favorite part of being parents was, I left those thoughts of self-doubt in my head and this was my reply...

You know how you were so fascinated with the Eiffel Tower?  Do you remember snapping those photos because you were in awe of how amazing it was?  Do you wonder how any architect could ever construct something so breathtaking?  How even the part that was flawed and undergoing repair was intriguing to you?

That’s how I feel about our children.  But being a parent is even greater though because the Eiffel Tower was someone else’s creation.  Our kids… WE made them.  We did that.  They love us unconditionally, and we love them like crazy.  We obsess over them. We smother them with hugs and kisses.  We argue about them, worry about them, brag about them; but more than anything else, we thank God for them.   

There will never be a “right time” to start having children and you will never be perfect parents, but you will adjust.  It’s not really about our timing or our planning at all.  It’s not up to us.

Sometimes parenting seems impossible.  Sometimes I have “mom failures”.  Sometimes when Brian and I are caught up in the rush of the kids’ activities we can lose ourselves as a couple. But most of the time, I am just in awe of our life.  The way we do all we do, and still enjoy it together...That’s amazing!  I need to celebrate how awesome our foursome truly is and remember how I felt when it all started.  I need to thank God for the children He has blessed us with.  I am glad I get the opportunity to try, fail, and improve as a mother because not every woman does.  What if the Lord had never blessed us with children?  No kids allowed?  I can’t imagine life without them.

When I finally took a breath to let my husband add in his two cents, I noticed that the young couple’s eyes were sparkling.  They were definitely listening with their whole hearts.  And as Brian finished up his version of our parenting story, I realized I was actually starting to miss the kids.  I mean, really miss them!  I wanted to go home, pay the babysitter, and love on our children.

All week, I had longed for some adult time in this upscale, “no kids allowed” restaurant, but now I couldn't help wonder when the waitress would bring our check so we could get back to them.