... Wait Training

Surely we can't be the only ones who have loved, lost, prayed, and persevered through difficult times.  This space is created as a sounding board where we can reflect, respond, and remember the best loves in our lives.  Love.  We give it; we receive it, and that's all we can really do.  Our "why" if you will, is to connect with people through our personal experiences, and encourage individuals to share their own stories- creating a ripple effect of self-expression, connection, comfort, and healing.  Sometimes the hardest part of being a human being is the "being" part.  Taking time to be still and reflect on what you're going through is more challenging than the busy act of living life itself.  The blog name comes from the writers' attributes. Kara and Roxy, both of whom are active individuals: teachers/wives/mothers/fitness trainers/and writers at heart.  We are impatiently waiting for life's progress at times, but constantly training ourselves to improve in this department.  Join us on our journey.  Welcome to... 

"...Wait Training" 

Stuck (Kara)

November 15, 2017

Sleep used to be my escape.  Now it is just something I wake up from or can’t do to begin with.  My alarm went off at 3:30 but I was already awake. I watched the hours go by the night before.  

I don’t even care that I have to get up so early.  I’m tired all day because I can’t get to sleep at night.  I listen to music. It is sad, but I don't know, it gives me a focus.  Focus on the song, the memory of the song (my God, the memories), and then it’s done. Move ahead, even if it is only to the next song.  There is a beginning and an end. So I fall asleep staring in the darkness still in disbelief.  My bed is too big.  It used to seem small. I am overcome with loneliness that I know is now my forever.

I drift in and out of sleep waking with the crash of the wave everyone talks about.  The draining of your insides as you’re pulled under only to come back up not knowing who you are.  I catch my breath and focus on the words of the singer's despair knowing that it isn't just me.  

This is what happens.  Something somewhere takes you down and then you have to crawl back up.  It is the battle of going there vs not going there.  Inside I know I must talk it out, think it through, spend time in it.  The grief, I mean.  Part of me wants that and craves it, but every time it happens there is a setback.  Or so it seems.  A step up that doesn’t feel like a step forward, but rather, a step back into awfulness.  The enormity of the situation is impossible.  It’s harder than it used to be.  It is harder and hopeless.  

The picture on my phone reminds me of what he looked like.  I’ve started to forget.  I’m losing  the ability to picture him easily.  When a person is here and they are alive the picture in your mind is current and ever changing.  Drew is dead now and the automatic retrieval of him is fading.  It is one of so many things I fear and despise.  It is all just memories.  Inevitably memories fade.  I will forget.  I will forget the biggest part of myself.  

I’m stuck.  I don't know what to do. 

Truthfully I do know.  I have to pick myself up from wherever I am and stop looking back. But do you understand what that means?  I don't want to do that.  I don't want to forget.  I don't want to be strong.  I know if I stop thinking about myself and how shitty this is then I will feel better.  I can go on about the business of life and kids and responsibility.  Just pretend.  Fake it till you make it. It numbs the pain. 

I just don't want to pretend.  I’m too tired, too confused, too untrusting, too selfish, too sad, too angry, too hopeless, too lonely, too afraid, too weak… It is too hard.

...and so I stay stuck.