Different Approach (Roxy)

December 29, 2017

I can’t count the number of times my husband and I divide and conquer in my family’s daily routine.  It has been our way of balancing life’s tasks for so long, I don’t even realize that we are doing it.  Brian drives Grace to softball while I take Grayden to soccer. He does the dishes downstairs. I do the laundry upstairs.  We spend a lot of time in separate vehicles, or separate rooms of the house just so we can cross more items off of our never ending “to do” list. The intent is for us to get it all done and then spend time together, but that rarely happens. It’s like, I know there is this cute guy, who is tons of fun that sleeps to the left of me, but I only call on him when something needs fixed or there is a task to be shared. Then I send him one way while I head in a different direction.  We are workingtogether, but not being together.  I have noticed this more and more, especially around the holidays when life is so busy.

We host Christmas.  We have for the last 10 years.  I spend hundreds of dollars on decorations, food, wine, floral arrangements, and gifts. It’s a show, and it always has been.  Christmas is my jam!  Shopping is the BEST!  If it glitters, sparkles, or comes in a fancy bottle, it quickly finds its way into my shopping cart.  I have a Pinterest board for Christmas decorations, Christmas cookies, Christmas cocktails, Christmas crafts, and even Christmas party games...because that’s what Christmas is all about.  It’s about entertaining, impressing, and making things pretty.  

Of course I’m being sarcastic and I really do know what Christmas is about, but for years I have been so focused on the “show” of the holiday that the CHRIST part of Christmas has been sadly forgotten. I thought I had found enough happiness in having people leave our house complimenting me on a beautifully set table and a delicious meal, that I never looked for any deeper meaning in the day. I had my family of four convinced that Christmas would be perfect if we divided the chores and conquered the to-do list: Send the family photo cards, bake the cookies, give the perfect gifts.  I realize now I was so wrong!

I decided this Christmas would be different.  It had to be.  If I didn’t make the conscious effort to focus on the true meaning of Christmas, I would never give my kids the foundation I wanted them to have.  The other stuff is all good and fun, but it’s not important.  I wanted to focus on our FAITH and our FAMILY, and not the other F-word I had been using when I was stressed out this time of year.  It took some Christmas card drama for me to realize the desperate need for change in 2017.  Around the 15th of December, the first of many Christmas cards started showing up in our mailbox.  We still hadn’t taken a photo for our annual Christmas card. I tried to get our family together when we were all looking good in coordinating outfits, but it just hadn’t happened.  I was so stressed out about this stupid Christmas card that I had my own version of a grown-up melt down while we were trying to take the photo.

It was a Tuesday night.  We all looked great.  Good haircuts, the right clothing, I was wearing make-up; we just needed to smile and click.  But could that happen? No! Grace was being a total pain, squirming all over and making ugly faces at the camera. Grayden couldn’t keep his eyes open to save his life. Grace thought it was hilarious to hold up bunny ears (I did not find this funny at all). She was overtired and cranky.  So was I.  I ended up screaming at her while Brian was trying to get the camera height and the lighting just right.  I actually said these words, “Grace, I swear to God.  If you don’t stand still and fake a smile so we can take this damn picture, you’re not getting any presents!” That did not go over well.  She ran upstairs to her bedroom where she spent the next half hour in tears. Grayden raised his eyebrows at me as if to say “Really, Mom?” and then left the room to finish his homework. Brian hiked the stairs to Grace’s room to put out the fire I started.  The family photo session was over, and in that moment I decided a glass of wine was necessary. Suddenly, a Christmas card didn’t seem all that important anymore.  This was the beginning of our “different approach” to Christmas. Once I cooled down, I apologized to Grace for being a mean mom.  She apologized for ruining the picture, and I reassured her we could just use a photo from earlier in the year, or maybe send a New Year’s card instead.  

At this point I had sort of given up. Screw the card, forget the cookies, gifts weren’t getting bought.  We don’t need them anyway. I felt certain Christmas would be a let down, and I just needed to find my way to December 26th. “Getting through” the holiday was my first notion. We just had to get through.  It would be our third Christmas since my mom and my oldest brother died.  In my heart I kept thinking this was most likely the last Christmas we would have with my father.  My dad’s Alzheimer's wasn’t exactly improving, and my whole family could see it.  But as I thought about the idea of this possibility, I wanted to change the focus from getting through the holiday day to making the best of it.  My mindset wasn’t perfectly positive by any means, but it was improving. It continued to improve with a little help from above.

A week before Christmas, I had an epiphany.  Grayden insisted that I attend a Penance service with him at church on a Monday evening. I was not excited about it at all.  Our conversation went like this:

“Mom, you should go to confession with me.  You have been stressed out lately and it will make you feel good to talk to the priest.”

“But Grayden!  I haven’t really done anything that needs to be confessed.”

“In SEVEN years, Mom?!?!  You haven’t been to confession in SEVEN years!”

“Well, I may have said a swear word or two, but I haven’t killed anyone...Ok fine, let’s go!”

Reluctantly, I headed to church despite the fact that I was on an antibiotic for strep throat and fighting off an upper respiratory infection.  I looked and felt like death, and I was hoping I didn’t see anyone I knew.  We slipped into the 7:00 PM Service at 7:05 (better late than never) and sat quietly in the back of the church.  As the priest was reading through a list of prayers, I realized what a blessing it was to attend this Mass with my son.  Father Pete’s words washed over me at the exact time I needed them.  I’m sure I’ll get the order wrong, and he had a list five times as long, but these are the items that stuck in my head from what he said…

“Tonight as we ask for forgiveness, Lord deliver us from every evil that surrounds us on a daily basis and let us focus on the true meaning of Christmas.  Deliver us from trying to impress others and meeting their approval.  Deliver us from our need for constant recognition when we do something good, and from the feeling that we are owed a voice, or the chance to express our opinion in every decision that is made.  Deliver us from sickness and exhaustion. Deliver us from the stress of the holidays, and loneliness that can encompass so many hearts this time of year.”

I swear Father Pete was speaking directly to me, and I thanked my son for the extra nudge it took to get me into the confessional that night. Grayden was right, I did feel better. That little bit of extra time I spent in reflection and prayer gave me the clarity I needed to enjoy this Christmas and not just “get through it.”  It also gave me a new perspective on how my family was going to approach the holiday.  We would celebrate the birth of Christ.  We would enjoy the time we had with family that is still here and not dwell on those loved ones we have lost. Most importantly for Brian and me, we were going to do this TOGETHER.

I have done so much growing up in the past year that I hardly recognize myself. Every Christmas I have these grandiose ideas of how to top last year’s celebration. Bigger presents for the kids, more lights on the roof, fancier cocktails, better wine, new recipes to impress our relatives.  And every year we end up stressed out. We would work separately all week spreading ourselves so thin that we were both disconnected and exhausted before Christmas even came.  By December 24th, we’d be yelling at each other about the most trivial things. Who forgot to buy Nonie’s gift?  Why don’t the kids’ dress shoes fit?  We should have tried them on two weeks ago.  Who was supposed to grab the envelope for Christmas Eve Mass? Now we don’t have the checkbook. Ugh!  Brian and I were so busy dividing and conquering our holiday chore list that we didn’t realize what we were really dividing and conquering...was us.  It had to stop.

So I stopped it. Just like that.  It was actually pretty easy; we simply took a different approach. This Christmas, my Pinterest boards stayed closed.  Only half of our decorations made it out of their boxes.  I didn’t buy any new sparkly objects, no new place settings, no floral arrangements, no fancy cocktails.  Brian and I purchased ZERO presents for each other, and we procrastinated until December 24th to buy gifts for the kids. Yes I know that’s Christmas Eve! We left our children at 9:00 AM, walked hand-in-hand through several local stores, enjoyed each other’s company, and returned home around 1:00 PM with a few gifts for each of them. That night, we took my 93-year-old aunt to church together, and had Christmas Eve dinner at my sister’s together.  Once the kids were in bed, we put on our coats and shoveled 8 inches of snow off the driveway together.  And ya know what?  We needed that...time together.  It wasn’t fancy, or magical, but it was exactly what we both needed.

December 25th has come and gone.  The statue of baby Jesus found its way into our manger scene.  We hosted an Italian Christmas dinner for 25 of our family members using PAPER plates, and they worked just fine. My father, even in his state of Alzheimer's, was able to lead us in our traditional prayer before the meal (sort of). Dad placed his hand to his forehead saying “In the name of the Father,” and then as tears streamed down his face when he couldn’t remember what came next, we all took it from there. Like a team!  Our Christmas Day wasn’t full of sadness like I had anticipated. It wasn’t full of stress like it has been before. It didn’t feel less special because there were fewer presents. It felt complete because there was more time of true engagement.  We prayed together, ate together, laughed together, and celebrated with our quirky family. We didn’t have to simply get through the day.  We could enjoy it...together.