Pros and Cons (Roxy)

What do you do when you have an important decision to make? When I was in 8th grade, I mastered the art of list making. This was how I made all of my decisions. I could rock the T-chart like it was nobody’s business. Pros on one side. Cons on the other, and boom! Decisions were made!

My friends and I used to make these charts all the time. We mostly used them when we really liked a boy. We’d pull out sheets of paper from our binders at school. A boy’s name would be written on the top line, and the list making began. Pros might include a boy’s attributes such as: funny, athletic, sweet, great smile. While cons might label the boy as: dorky, a bad dresser, too conceited, etc. We repeated this process with two or three boys, and when we narrowed it down to the guy with the most pros, the real fun began… the chase!  

Back when I was 13, I enjoyed the chase, the excitement of new possibilities. Chasing something you feel confident about is fun. Chasing something you feel confused about is not. I still like the process of list making because it is simple and mathematical. When I compare two choices, the choice with the most “pros”  is the winner. I have repeated this practice my entire life. I mean, if something has worked for you in the past, it makes sense to keep doing what you’ve always done, right?... Right?

Each of the following decisions has earned its way onto a sheet of paper with a list of pros on the left and cons on the right. Butler University or IUSB? Buy a house before the wedding, or wait until after? Earn a Master’s degree or Masters equivalent? Start a family or travel first? Minivan or SUV? Have a second child, or keep things simple? Build our dream house, or build up our bank account? Try again after three miscarriages, or be thankful with one son? Pull my mother’s feeding tube, or wait for a miracle? Hire home care, or place my dad in a nursing facility? The lists goes on and on. The decision making never stops, and the more time we spend on Earth, the more difficult our decisions become.

Waiting to make a decision that affects your life can be extremely stressful. Waiting in general is stressful. This is why Kara and I decided to call our blog “Wait Training.” We all have to wait for something, but nobody enjoys waiting. That’s why I decided, it was time to stop waiting and take some action. I chose to share my “pros and cons” method of decision making on the blog this week because I went on a new kind of chase… a job hunt.

I have been teaching in the same school my entire career. When I began, it was the place every teacher wanted to work. Life skills were taught and practiced. Expectations were universal and enforced. Kids were kind, teachers were happy, parents were pleased. Since then, 18 years have gone by, 6 different principals have led our staff, and 75% of the teachers have moved to other buildings or retired. The place that once felt like home to me now feels more like a rest stop where students and staff pass through on their way to someplace else. Very few people seem to be rooted here anymore. State standards have changed, testing has increased, district borders have been opened. The list of changes happening around me seems endless, but I never thought that I would be the one to make a change. I felt a certain loyalty to my building; especially to my close friends. There is safety in doing what you’ve always done, but the idea of leaving has been on my mind for the last few years, so I made a list.

There were multiple reasons I should stay in my current position. In fact, the list of reasons I should stay was much longer than the list of reasons to leave. But what I didn’t take into consideration when I made the list is that not all “reasons” are weighted equally. So I took my flawed system of weighing the pros and cons and tried something new. I knew I wasn’t happy where I was working, so I tried making a new type of list.

On one side of the paper I made a list of things that made me happy in my job. On the opposite side I made a list of activities I actually did on a daily basis. When I compared the two, I realized they weren’t the same. Once I took the time to reflect on my values and clarify my feelings, it was eye-opening. It was time to make a change. Pretty soon I found myself writing a resume, and setting up an interview. Making this major decision became easier, but it didn’t happen without fear and anxiety. I was scared to make this change, but I kept repeating one of my favorite quotes throughout the process. “Growth can be painful, and change can be frightening. But nothing is worse than staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.”  

Here’s what I learned. When we make a life changing decision, we aren’t guided by lists. We are guided by something much more powerful. Maybe you call it a gut feeling. Maybe you say, “Follow your heart.” Maybe you stick to the mantra Let Go, and Let God! Whatever works… there is something down deep in all of us that lets us know when we have to begin the next chapter in our lives. We just have to pay attention. And as much as I’d like to think it was my organized list of pros and cons that led me to make the decision to leave a school after teaching there for 18 years... It wasn’t.  

I think I knew I had my decision because of the feeling I got when I walked through the doors of the new school. I visited Hums Elementary several times this year for a class I was taking. Each time I entered the doors, I found something else to love. The secretaries were welcoming. The staff was kind. As I walked around the school, I was greeted by not just adults, but students too. No joke, 4th and 5th graders said “hello” or “good morning,”  to me and they looked me in the eyes when they spoke. I wasn’t used to this. There were procedures in place which provided a feeling of order and safety. As I looked around the building, the teachers were all teaching. The students seemed to be engaged in their learning. The atmosphere was relaxed, yet structured at the same time. I was reminded of my first few years of teaching when everything seemed possible and positive. I didn’t know this still existed! I didn’t know what I was missing.

I think sometimes we stay in a certain situation because we are afraid of the unknown. It comes down to fear. Maybe you have heard the expression, “The devil you know is better than the one you don’t.” But isn’t that why making a difficult decision is often called taking a leap of faith? The challenge is to make our choices based less about the demons we are facing and more about the possibilities that lie ahead.

I went to church FIVE times in the last two weeks. My children had special services at their schools, so I had the opportunity to attend a couple of weekday Masses. During my son’s 8th Grade Graduation Mass, Father Fisher was giving a homily themed around “change.” Even though it was geared toward the students, I swear he was speaking directly to me. He talked about changes the 8th graders would face as they made the transition from middle school to high school. He told the kids the next year of their lives would hold an abundance of newness. They would face new challenges, new classes, new teachers, new struggles, new situations, new pressures, and new relationships. But despite all of this newness, one thing will remain the same...God. Our priest reminded the 8th graders that they were not going through these changes alone. The same God they had always believed in would guide them through the next chapter of their lives.  

When I heard Father Fisher say this, I thought, “Wow, he is so right!” These kids are going through major changes in their lives. I am going through a major change in my career. And we all have the SAME God to guide us. God hasn’t changed; He never will. We don’t need to rely on ourselves, our talents, or our lists of pros and cons to help us make good choices in life. We have something available that is much more powerful than that.

While I was trying to make my big decision, I kept reaching out to my friends and family for guidance. I made lists, and spent hours staring down at sheets filled with pros and cons. But I was going about it all wrong. If I wanted answers I should have looked Up, because when I stop and reflect, I know it has all been decided anyway because God has a plan.

The funniest part of this whole story is my daughter’s role in it. As I was worrying, and list making, and keeping my interviews a secret, Gracie was praying out loud for all to hear. Genius! Amazing how she mastered this at age seven, and I’m still trying to figure it out. She wasn’t doing it alone either. Grace asked her entire class of first grade friends to pray for me. She even put her prayer in writing. (I’m so proud.) I’m finding new methods of embracing change and making decisions. My daughter clearly has one that already works.

When I begin a new piece of writing I usually revisit the home page of our blog to remember why Kara and I started writing in the first place. As always, our “why” is to work through our own challenges, and hopefully connect with others who are working through theirs. I hope one of these methods can help you get through a change you might be experiencing. Maybe you have a system in place already. Maybe Gracie’s prayer method will be your new favorite. Regardless, we all have what works for us.  Life is full of change. Maybe something that worked for us at one point in our lives, isn’t working anymore. Ultimately we know when it’s time to stay safe and comfortable, or when it’s time to embrace a change. List or no list, we just have to slow down and listen to what is really on our hearts. Amen and cheers to new beginnings!