Friendship (Kara)

January 13, 2018

 “I’ve learned a lot this year.  I learned that things don’t always turn out the way you think they should and I’ve learned that things go wrong that can’t always get fixed or put back together the way they were before.  I’ve learned that some broken things stay broken and I’ve learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones as long as you have people who love you.” ~Jennifer Weiner

How true this is…

In the frightening world we have found ourselves living, there are still so many good people. When I am discouraged, for whatever reason...grief, parenting, finances, the news, you name it, I am reassured by the people who surround me. They are the ones who get you through the hard times.  I cannot imagine living my life without the love and support of my family, Drew’s family, and countless friends.  Having a support system is crucial in the midst of despair but in our day to day lives as well.

When I think about my support system, I can’t help but see that it is the women who have carried me. God made us uniquely different from men.  We “get it” in a different way than men. I’m not bashing men.  There are amazing men everywhere.  Men without whom our world would look very different.  It’s certainly not a comparison. (Comparison is the THIEF of Joy, don’t you know?) It’s just something I’ve realized about life. More importantly about grief.

A MAN among MEN isn't easy to come by.  Drew was one of these, and I'm lucky to have a few in my life. They support me in an entirely different way than the women in my life, but they support me nonetheless.  These men have taught me how to take care of things I never bothered with before. They send me texts and tell me when they’re thinking about Drew. They reach out to the kids and me and remind us they didn’t forget Drew and us.

I am extremely blessed to have Max as my son. He is becoming a good man.  He gives me purpose.  Yes, there are amazing men in my life.  I only wish the best one I knew was still here with me. 

When you take stock of your life and the people in it, you can see how far you’ve come. You can face the future knowing they have been and will continue to be there for you.  They show up.  Sometimes that is all a person can do.  But believe me...it makes all the difference.

When I recall the past 28 months and the women in my life...my God.  I am humbled and grateful.  I am in awe.

Women are warriors.  They are brave when they are uncertain. They are strong when they have nothing else to give.  They are determined and opinionated and smart and powerful.  I am struck by how many of these women are in my life. I am also struck by the fact that nearly all of these women have struggles.  It is so obvious to me now... EVERYBODY STRUGGLES.  We all ride the struggle bus from time to time.  Sometimes we ride it all around, even in circles, leading us nowhere.  So many of us spend our days comparing and wishing and envying other women.

What does your internal dialogue sound like?  Do you wake up in the morning and think… “I feel good about myself today.  I’m ready to face the world.”  I would bet there aren’t many of us who do that.  Rather, if you’re like me, you see the reflection in the mirror and it’s a free for all…

Why do we find it so difficult to love ourselves the way God intended? I know so many phenomenal woman who have so much to offer their families and this world.  Yet they hold themselves back.  I speak from experience.  I have wasted a lot of time stuck inside my own head doubting, worrying, plagued with insecurities…

I’ve wasted a lot of time. 

It kills me knowing I wasted time with Drew. 

I have always struggled with self esteem, self image ...whichever, both?!? I've held myself back from many experiences, opportunities and relationships because I didn't believe I was capable enough, smart enough...good enough.  Sound familiar?

I'm not talking about feeling good about yourself as a way of self promotion or pride. The confidence and self love that I'm talking about isn't based on the outside.  It's not the body, the hair, the clothes… it's not about how we measure up on the outside.  I’m talking about knowing who we are and being confident in that.  Being confident in who God made us rather than who the world tells us to be. When we allow self doubt to take control we are choosing to ignore why we are here.

There has to be more to life than the status quo.  What would happen if more of us pursued our dreams based on the God given gifts we were born with and USE them to be our best self without fear of rejection? When we are our best selves we are fearless.  We are unstoppable. We face the impossible and we pick each other up when we fall.  And we all fall...

I am so blessed by the women in my life day today.  When Drew died it was like we were surrounded and sustained in the goodness of people.  That is God’s work at its best.  Friend after friend showed up. In my time of sorrow these women did what they could do in their own special ways. They listened and felt the power of God’s love and then they ACTED on it. The women circled in and worked together.

It was the women I called in my panic and confusion on that awful day.  They went to my kids, they prayed with them, they made sure they weren’t alone.  One stood across from me in the worst moments of my life.  She told my family what happened.  She held my hand tighter than anyone ever has and ever will.  She told me to tell my kids we were going to be okay. My sister and Addi bought me a dress for Drew’s funeral. One sister-in-law took care of printing the memorial cards for her own brother’s funeral, while the other sorted through hundreds of pictures and made beautiful displays to be shared at the viewing.

A special friend sent me a notecard with a simple quote every Wednesday for a year. These women came to the house, they called each other and planned my meals for over 3 months, they left me notes, and every Monday for the entire school year they took turns dropping off a gift to brighten my week. They entertained my kids, they planted flowers in the spring and decorated my house at Christmas. They asked their family to clean up the toilet paper in my trees after we were teepeed.  They texted me everyday. They cried with me. They made me laugh; one even made me start writing a blog.

They got me through and they are still getting me through.

Oh these women.  These amazing, special women.  When we work together, when we hold each other up rather than tear each other down, we can do amazing things.  God’s love is everywhere. It is when we lose sight of who we are in Him that we go down that road looking for the struggle bus.  We want to hop on and pick ourselves apart.  When we ride that bus we compare, we envy we assume that “her life is perfect.”  Riding around gets us nowhere and we might miss the stop for which we were made.

I think about my girls (and Max of course, too) and the kind of women I want them to be.  I want them to be bold in their faith. I want them to know that who they are is who God intended for them to be. I want them to know the fact that they were born is the only perfection they will ever know.  God made them perfectly to shine their light.  In their own special way.  But that light is not really about them.  It is about HIM.

I hesitate a bit to talk about God.  I'm certainly not an expert on religion, and I in no way shape or form have all the answers.  But I know God because he is inside me.  Is it the Holy Spirit who moves me to “Be Better?” Yes, maybe? I often think it's Drew.  The deeper I get into all of “this” I feel like Drew is within me just like God.

It always comes down to love. We have to share God’s love.  We have to challenge the negativity that surrounds us.  We have to question the outside world... that world that tells us who we “should” be... It's easier to judge people than to try to understand them. It's easier to make assumptions than learn the truth.  And often that’s what we do.  But we don't have to continue down that road. Even when we fall short, we can always try again… It’s not all or nothing.  We can just try to “Be Better” the next time.

My soul sister, Stacy, has always told me to be still and listen...Girl, I have tried and tried, and most of the time I can't shut my rambling mind up long enough to sleep at night.  How am I supposed to tune out the big bad world?  She would tell me just to try, practice, be intentional.  Often it just doesn't happen.  But sometimes it does.  For me, there’s no choir of angels, God doesn’t speak to me, Drew doesn’t come down from Heaven, even when I ask God every single day.

Or maybe he does? 

Why do I feel the push or pull to do something or say something to someone? Why does my heart overflow when I see my parents with my kids? Why do I get goosebumps when the sky bursts with colors to welcome the day? How can I possibly feel the love of the women surrounding me, encouraging me, urging me to keep going when Drew isn’t here? It’s not me, its not them...it is too powerful to be anything else…

God speaks to us every day.  We just have to pay attention.  When we stop doubting and worrying and judging… when we are patient, when we practice, and when we are intentional, it is right there in front of us and His love can shine everywhere.